with Daniel G. Anders . by Nemo

Publishing this book was not easy for me. It reveals episodes from my past life that many of you will probably find grotesque or even perverse. But I had an absolute need to tell my story. Not only because I hoped to find a little more of myself again through it, but also because I believe it serves as a warning.

If you want to know more about it, you will find some answers below about my actual motivation for writing this book.

Hello Daniel! Recently, your first book, “Into the Abyss – The True Story of Pussyboy”, was published. What prompted you to write this book now?
Actually, the book was long overdue for me. But it required a lot of courage, and I didn’t really have it. As the rather introverted person I am, the mere thought of openly sharing this story with readers was not exactly pleasant. Ultimately, I had to be persuaded.

“Being persuaded” is a good point. You enlisted a ghostwriter for the development of the book. How did this collaboration unfold?
Very well. Actually, it was ultimately Nemo who persuaded me to write the book. And I think it has become an absolutely worthwhile read. Frankly, I myself would not have been able to properly develop a story that spans over 260 pages. That requires an experienced writer. Above all, it requires trust. And I had that with him, given that we’ve known each other for what feels like an eternity. So I set about recording everything I could remember – with an openness I had never shown anyone before – which was not easy. And from these notes, he then pieced together this story. The whole process took months, as I repeatedly needed time to sort myself out. There were some things I couldn’t remember anymore, or rather, I DIDN’T really want to remember, so gaps kept appearing. But Nemo was extremely persistent and even managed to coax out every last detail from me.

How did you feel when you read the story for the first time?
Bad! Very bad, in fact! At times, I was even close to tears. Reading everything that had happened in my life, all at once and so condensed, was truly a shattering experience. Above all, Nemo described everything so vividly that I felt as if it were all happening again. But ultimately, it was all incredibly helpful, as it allowed me to leave everything behind much better. The book was thus also a kind of therapy for me. And for that, I am extremely grateful.

The first chapter primarily discusses the abuse you experienced in a German children’s home. How well can you still remember it?
Vaguely. I primarily remember the pain and extreme fears I suffered from for years. Fears that I still suffer from today. They can be so strong that at times I’m not even able to stand up or walk. You’re like paralyzed because you’re shaking so much. These flashbacks still come over me, and at regular intervals. Often, a small trigger is enough to set them off. A trigger, such as the “rustle” of a suit. It still makes me flinch today, because it primarily sounded when one of my tormentors approached me. For me, this sound still signifies misfortune. That’s why I myself don’t wear a suit to this day.

What would you advise people who have experienced similar things, or how should people act if they notice something like this (e.g., in their family or immediate surroundings)?
Take it seriously immediately and ask the child what exactly happened. If something has indeed happened, consult a psychologist immediately. It is important to combat the trauma, otherwise the child will never be able to lead a normal life again. The most important thing, however, is: Don’t be silent! Perpetrators who commit such acts must be removed from society. And that only works if you don’t keep silent.

Many events in this book seem very brutal and are almost unimaginable for “normal” people. How did you manage to process all of that?
Well, it all spread out over six years. Of course, when you read it all bundled together in the book, it seems extreme. Of course, I always had time in between to recover from the events, which, however, doesn’t mean that the experiences weren’t extreme for me as well.

Does all of this still affect your life today?
Oh yes! It actually even dictates my life. I am still traumatized and constantly have fears that paralyze me. Ultimately, that even cost me my career. While I am satisfied with what I’m currently doing, without all of that, I would certainly have become much more successful. Abuse destroys an entire life.

You wrote in the book that you only now “learned to walk away”. Does that mean there’s a life before and after this book?
Yes! Through the book, but especially through communication with Nemo, I actually became a bit more self-confident. It was like a turning point, like a caesura. The downside, however, is that only now, at over 60 years old, did I realize everything I missed out on in my life because of it. I will probably try to catch up on a few things – provided it’s even possible and I still have time for it. But frankly, looking back, I wish I had confided in Nemo earlier, so we could have written the book twenty years ago (laughs).

Do you plan to write any more books? If so, on what topics?
I don’t know yet. But if so, it will be about topics like abuse or the general theme of “being a victim”. I think I have quite a lot to share there.